Community ClicksSwitching guardians
Our will stipulates that if my wife and I die, our daughter will be cared for by some longtime friends, who welcome the idea.
Since making this plan we have learned that they feel different from us about money — they like living large — and we no longer want them to raise our daughter.
Instead, we would like a nephew and his wife to do so.
If we tell our friends, it will hurt them.
If we don’t, they may ultimately receive quite a shock.
A note added to the new will would go down like a curse.
Must we tell them now? — J.D., New Jersey
The ideal solution to this, as to many of life’s problems, is immortality.
By declining to die, you can raise your daughter yourselves while preserving amiable relations with your free-spending friends.
If you cannot live forever, silence here is the next best thing (again, as it is in much of life).
The odds are your daughter will reach adulthood before both you and your wife die — most kids outlive at least one parent — and thus your friends will never know you’ve changed your will.
Announcing your new will would not lead your friends to act differently.
It’s not as if they’re about to build a new wing on their house to accommodate your daughter.
Thus, silence is acceptable.
But if you do tell them, speak gently.
Their values notwithstanding, they accepted a serious responsibility on your behalf; you should be mindful of their feelings.
One way to do that is to stress the pull of family and a desire to have relatives rear your child; nothing personal.
Even if you keep silent now, don’t assume that a message appended to your final testament need be devastating.
If you write with tact and affection, omit any discussion of their lush life, praise your friends’ magnanimity and emphasize your devotion to family, such a note could mollify your friends.
UPDATE: J.D. and his wife decided not to tell their friends about the revised will.
The two couples have a good relationship, and J.D. does not want to “spoil their communication.”
No work petitions
A friend, a technician in a hospital radiology department in my hometown of San Francisco, was pressed by a radiologist to sign a petition opposing President Obama’s health care reforms.
She did not sign and feels she could be penalized.
Radiologists trump technicians in their hierarchy; her job depends on what they think of her.
Is this doctor acting ethically by pushing an underling to sign a political petition?
— Melinda Burgener, Paris
I’m with you.
Not physically, not in Paris — worse luck — but in principle.
In the workplace, nobody should circulate such a petition to anyone over whom he or she has authority.
The guideline here is: Unless the decision to sign or not to sign can be freely made, that is, made without fear of professional consequences, nobody should be importuned in this way.
The radiologist abused his position by pressuring a junior in order to advance his political agenda.
What he can do is post information — even polemics, even deranged rants — on the staff bulletin board about this issue, a matter of particular concern to health care workers.
He can engage co-workers in conversation.
He can urge them to attend demonstrations or lobby their representatives.
He can even call their attention to the existence of a petition, as long as he has no way of knowing who signs it.
But he must be cautious not to exploit his position of authority.
